Possess me not...

“There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn't true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true.” This is a quote by Soren Kierkegaard I stumbled upon some time ago while going through one of the books in our library.

From a distance, with bright coloured paint and beautiful doors one would believe that a house is as good looking inside as it is outside. One would also believe that a book is exciting by looking at the illustrations on the cover. And from the public display of affection from most seemingly in love couples, one would believe that their relationship behind closed doors is as good as it suggests in public. But the truth is, that is not always the case. We get fooled by what our naked eye allows us to see physically. And often when we find out the truth, we are reluctant and even in denial about it before we can actually take action.

A while ago I was in a relationship with the most wonderful guy. He made me laugh, he gave me attention, he called, texted and inboxed me on a daily basis. But that was just a front to try and conceal the fact that he was one possessive and controlling creature. Most people envied me, because to them I was the luckiest girl to be dating him, little did they know that I was dealing with something freaking controlling the minute we disappeared from the public’s eye. There were certain people I wasn’t allowed to chat with on my phone (especially guy friends)and a few of my female friends. At some point I was forced to delete their numbers because if I kept them I was going to be able to call them in his absence. There were certain items of clothing that were too sexy for the public, to see me in and others that were absolutely okay to wear. Curfews about when I should be at home and in bed were also held down. I was expected to obey because according to him, "a woman should obey her man". There were moments of fear when he often said “You are the woman I gave my heart to, you should obey when I say something. I could have given my heart to someone else, but I chose you.”  The truth is, as much as the words were delivered in this way, the real truth behind them screamed, “I love you. You belong to me. Whatever I say goes. You are my possession”.

As much as I felt my boyfriend was somehow dangerous to my wellbeing because sometimes there were moments of fear when we were alone together, I chose to overlook the fact that he controls me, and sang the “ it’s because he genuinely loves me” song. That’s how I fooled myself. I was always hoping my guy friends won’t call when I was with him because he would always fume and throw tantrums, and as such I would end up embarking on a guilt road trip. Love never blossoms where terms and conditions apply. It may try, but it will always fail. A person doesn’t love you and command you behave in a way that only makes him happy. That is controlling, and means he sees you as a possession to him.

The sad thing about being in a possessive relationship is that the controller plays his cards right first by painting themselves to you as caring and loving people. Thou shall be showered with gifts and lunches and empty promises, and most of us (ladies) enjoy being spoilt so much that we ignore the effects of the emotional abuse for a long time until the damage has started bearing the adventitious root system. When they are 'perfect', these control freaks are just too perfect. And when they become monsters, they excel as much as they do in their perfection levels. Pointing a blame finger and sending their victims on a guilt road trip comes as a perfected skill in addition to their ability to look harmless and decent when in public. They never admit that they are wrong. Sometimes it leads to physical abuse (pack your bags already lady!!!! ), and other times it leaves  one brutally wounded and scarred emotionally- the  deepest and most dangerous harm to a human being.

Although at first I believed he did all he did out of his genuine love for me, a certain magazine (All hail print media-and its readers)  came to my rescue when I read an article about the danger of being in a possessive relationship. That was when I realised the truth had been firmly rooted in front of me but I chose not to believe it. I had believed what isn't true (that he loved me) and refused to believe what is true ( that he possessed and controlled me), I had really succeeded in fooling myself in the name of "he loves me" . I took a decision to end the relationship right away and believe me, the break up was drama filled, with him telling me that I was just wasting my time because he wasn’t allowing it. He kept on contacting me and coming to my place for months after I told him I wasn't letting him control me any longer and I stood my ground, he persisted and I ended up promising him I would get the police on board. That shook him a little. His last words were, “You shall hear from me, no one throws my love back at my face”. It’s been over two years, and the other day I received a text from him with the words “…just unblock me. I have changed…I just wanna be friends…”. He clearly still possesses my image in his head, and that's  the only last thing (of and about me) he'll ever be able to control.

AllowMeToShareThisWithYou… You are no one’s possession. You belong to yourself. Even if he promises you the one thing your heart desires the most, never allow a man to exercise control over you (Occasionally in the bedroom maybe, but not in your life). He is the one with a problem, not you. The fact that he wants to control you shows how weak he is, how insecure he is in his ability to secure a woman and how he will never allow you to be you. Relationships blossom when we afford our partners freedom to be themselves and to associate themselves with whoever they want to associate with. Forget about the fear of being alone because you’ll feel even more miserable in a bad relationship than you would when alone. Do not allow and help him emotionally wound you any further. The choice to believe and to refuse to believe what is true is yours, and yours alone. It is your responsibility to look out for yourself. In the words of  A.S. Byantt, "No mere human being can stand in a fire and not be consumed"