It's your life in those years that count.

Behold!!I am 27. Yes. The chilly, great 10th of June delivered the packaged 27th wrinkle. No major 'turn up' party took place .No dinner party. No birthday stokvel. Nothing. The day just didn't give birth to any sort of celebration. Bless facebook for reminding and propelling the majority of my known and unknown friends about the day. I received a little over 100 messages, and my heart echoes thank yous. A big shout out goes to those who effortlessly remembered that although the six to my twenty was changing to a seven, my bank account number remained the same. I promise the money was used wisely.

Praises be unto the most High God. The Man upstairs has been absolutely amazing. He always saved me from the unfortunate whips of this thing called life. Like when He gave me the courage to throw a brick right on the knee of the guy who bullied me in primary school( He still has the scar, and he never waited for me at the school gate on a Friday afternoon after the incident), when He planted the idea to stop smoking dagga back in high school before I got addicted (I was never caught or addicted but the memory of how my stomach would immediately demand to be filled with food is tagged to me), when He afforded me the ability not to slip into a blackout after a drinking spree in the clubs of Melville when I deputed as a first year university student ( My results came back with a READMISSION REFUSED stamp, and sent me packing and relocating to Limpopo), when He saved me from the wreath of the law that day in Kempton park when I  almost got arrested for public drinking ( Bless the brown envelope, it works wonders in such situations!!!), and when He repeatedly healed and nursed the wounds my heart has suffered time and again.

In simple terms, God saved me from me. So many times. Although I don't and choose not to remember some of the times He came to my rescue, I am grateful that I know His grace and mercy and love and protection have tirelessly joined forces to place my feet where they are. No doubt. King God is the man, believe me, and believe in Him. (Soundtrack: Andre Crouch's I don't know why Jesus loves me).

Over the years, I've realised that this tapestry that is life is made colourful by the swings and roundabouts experiences it presents to us. Sometimes it feels like it has quenched its thirst with holy water, and sometimes, devil juice. Insane and Sane at the same time. Smiles and frowns. Birth and death. It is just as wonderful as it can be dreadful. But still, I remain grateful for the gift of life and its experiences,   and below are some of the lessons I have learnt:

1. This life is a battle worth fighting for

Truth is, many a times we have been faced with difficult situations that seemed like they could swallow us alive and never let us proceed to where we want to be, and instead of letting that happen we fought back. The fears, the difficulty of getting something done, the thoughts of quitting, wounded egos and all, we managed to fight back because if we didn't, stagnance would rule and success be a rumour. Keep on fighting, it's worth it!!

2. Life is no safe bet

Never underestimate the power of taking risks. It will take you places. Kick the fear of uncertainty and just do it.   

                                                      

3. Prayer changes.

I might not pray as much as I should (or they say we should), but boy, I pray and He answers. A lot of changes in my life are as a result of prayer. Make it a habit, reader!!  

4. Books are the most amazing and patient teachers.

Reading can change your perspective on life. Totally. I am talking about all genres of books but Mills and Boon, no thank you. Make reading fashionable in your clique and thank me later                                                                                                 

  

5. Do something completely out of your comfort zone.You wont die.

Explore. Do something different.  I actually took a detour into the teaching profession with no qualification or prior experience, a bumpy ride it was at first, but hey I'm glad I did it. Of course it came with money and at a time when I wasn't sure what plan I had after completing my degree, but it was something I always told myself I'd never get into. Alas! two years later I hold the retired teacher  ( yes, RETIRED!lol) title with pride and a story to tell, and I've since taken a decision that I'll go back to teaching again for the fulfilment it comes with and school holiday perks, but not in the next 10 years.

6. Love like you've never been hurt before

Aha! This lesson. My heart has been through a serious workout regimen when it comes to matters pertaining to relationships, romantic and otherwise. But I remain hopeful. And wear my tragedies as armour, not shackles for I know if I don't take lessons from the heartbreaks, I'll find myself in the same situation again. I have no reason not to love, and plenty to. It's my birth right.

7. A positive attitude is everything.

The power of positive thinking is unsurpassed. Anticipate success and happiness. And spread it wherever you go. I know it is contagious.

There are so many other lessons, but these are my top 7.I've rebelled all I can when afforded the opportunity, learnt some lessons,  reshuffled my priorities and hell yeah, at just 27 I think I got this.

#Allowmetosharethiswithyou... they say growing old is experience wrapped in wrinkles, and its not the years in your life that count, but your life in those years. I totes agree. This maturity thing does resemble wine, it gets better with time.

Thanks for reading.

Shall we take a minute and judge for ourselves..?!

Today as I was walking to work I overheard two ladies who were walking infront of me arguing about one of the ladies they are both familiar with. " Wa itsi ngwanyana ole ga ke mo kwishishi. Wa ipona (I don't like that girl much. She regards herself highly) ", said the lady in a dreadlocks side bun. "Aowa mara aus Ruth, nna ga ke mmone ale snaaks, ke bona ana le botho. Afa o ile wa bua le yena le ge ele ga one? ( No Ruth, Ive never seen her rude to anyone,she appears friendly. Have you ever spoken to her even once?"), the lady in the stripped scarf responded to her friend. "Ga se ke bue le yena (Ive never spoken to her)", aus Ruth said. " Janong oreng o mo senya leina? Ntwe o e dirang ga e right. Le Masipa ga a dire jaalo, o emela bohlatse pele (Then why are you smearing her name with bad things? what you're doing is not right, even Masipa(judge) doesn't do that. She waits for evidence first"

And then it resurfaced from the back of my mind. The same sun that hardens the clay soil is the same sun that melts ice. The same wind that blows a girl's skirt up is the same wind that blows sand into the boy's eyes so that he wont be able to see what the skirt has to reveal. What I am saying is, the same person we judge based on what we heard about them from someone can actually surprise us, and give us a different experience. The lady in the stripped scarf chose not to let her friend's perception of the lady they are talking about dampen or dim her perception. And she did a stunner job by bringing in Judge Masipa as an example of people who don't just judge because they can, but because enough evidence has been brought forward to her. She chose to judge for herself, based on her own experiences,and did not condone the fact that her friend passed judgement without having given herself the opportunity to communicate with the lady first.

It is an everyday  occurrence that we get fed stories about people who we have never met-who we need to stay away from because they are abrasive, who we shouldn't give chances because they can turn into our chief nemesis, who we shouldn't even smile at because they are irascible. People make it their mandate to be the carriers and deliverers of words that vilifies others-in the name of they are protecting us. How shady is that? Mxm, so suspicious.

Our biggest mistake is that we-the people who are told these things- often allow people's judgements on others to influence ours, without taking time to analyse the real reasons behind the smear campaign. We tend to, most of the time- give these smear campaigns validation and momentum through entertaining them and acting on them. We really need to change. Wouldn't it be great if we tailed behind the campaigner after we have experienced the meanness of this our dear friend that is being demeaned through spreading of what bad things they are capable of? ( It is wrong as well, but hey, we are human).Would it be a bad thing if we ask the campaigner why they are busy chanting the "she's a mean person" slogans? Did you know that sometimes the campaign may be executed in an effort to purposely put one down, just so that the campaigner can feel like they're up there? And sometimes, they are inspired by past grudges, which have been festering from many moons ago when they had an encounter with this our demeaned brother or sister, and they couldn't address it then. Sounds childish neh? I know! And now you know. So, we know.

The smear campaigns we give so much effort and time we are supposed to dedicate to other things will never boost our confidence, or erase the grudge. It will only give you a false sense of security-for a short period of time even. Judging people based on what other people say about them could mean depriving ourselves of possible positive relations with others, and  their experiences with others don't necessary apply to us. No person (and I mean everyone of us) can never avoid judgement, we are all prone to it- but let your judgement be influenced by your own experiences -not the grapevine.

We should know that most (yes, not everyone-most) of us actually receive mean responses because of our attitude towards other people. When we approach people in an attitude influenced by what we have heard from whoever, chances are very high that we will get the same response we expected. But when we allow ourselves to approach them with an attitude not influenced by others in any way, the response is likely to be positive.

#Allowmetosharethiswithyou...Not everything we hear about people is ALWAYS true. Choose to wear the black law gown like Masipa and be the judge based on evidence. The choice remains solely with you.

Thanks for reading.

Possess me not...

“There are two ways to be fooled. One is to believe what isn't true; the other is to refuse to believe what is true.” This is a quote by Soren Kierkegaard I stumbled upon some time ago while going through one of the books in our library.

From a distance, with bright coloured paint and beautiful doors one would believe that a house is as good looking inside as it is outside. One would also believe that a book is exciting by looking at the illustrations on the cover. And from the public display of affection from most seemingly in love couples, one would believe that their relationship behind closed doors is as good as it suggests in public. But the truth is, that is not always the case. We get fooled by what our naked eye allows us to see physically. And often when we find out the truth, we are reluctant and even in denial about it before we can actually take action.

A while ago I was in a relationship with the most wonderful guy. He made me laugh, he gave me attention, he called, texted and inboxed me on a daily basis. But that was just a front to try and conceal the fact that he was one possessive and controlling creature. Most people envied me, because to them I was the luckiest girl to be dating him, little did they know that I was dealing with something freaking controlling the minute we disappeared from the public’s eye. There were certain people I wasn’t allowed to chat with on my phone (especially guy friends)and a few of my female friends. At some point I was forced to delete their numbers because if I kept them I was going to be able to call them in his absence. There were certain items of clothing that were too sexy for the public, to see me in and others that were absolutely okay to wear. Curfews about when I should be at home and in bed were also held down. I was expected to obey because according to him, "a woman should obey her man". There were moments of fear when he often said “You are the woman I gave my heart to, you should obey when I say something. I could have given my heart to someone else, but I chose you.”  The truth is, as much as the words were delivered in this way, the real truth behind them screamed, “I love you. You belong to me. Whatever I say goes. You are my possession”.

As much as I felt my boyfriend was somehow dangerous to my wellbeing because sometimes there were moments of fear when we were alone together, I chose to overlook the fact that he controls me, and sang the “ it’s because he genuinely loves me” song. That’s how I fooled myself. I was always hoping my guy friends won’t call when I was with him because he would always fume and throw tantrums, and as such I would end up embarking on a guilt road trip. Love never blossoms where terms and conditions apply. It may try, but it will always fail. A person doesn’t love you and command you behave in a way that only makes him happy. That is controlling, and means he sees you as a possession to him.

The sad thing about being in a possessive relationship is that the controller plays his cards right first by painting themselves to you as caring and loving people. Thou shall be showered with gifts and lunches and empty promises, and most of us (ladies) enjoy being spoilt so much that we ignore the effects of the emotional abuse for a long time until the damage has started bearing the adventitious root system. When they are 'perfect', these control freaks are just too perfect. And when they become monsters, they excel as much as they do in their perfection levels. Pointing a blame finger and sending their victims on a guilt road trip comes as a perfected skill in addition to their ability to look harmless and decent when in public. They never admit that they are wrong. Sometimes it leads to physical abuse (pack your bags already lady!!!! ), and other times it leaves  one brutally wounded and scarred emotionally- the  deepest and most dangerous harm to a human being.

Although at first I believed he did all he did out of his genuine love for me, a certain magazine (All hail print media-and its readers)  came to my rescue when I read an article about the danger of being in a possessive relationship. That was when I realised the truth had been firmly rooted in front of me but I chose not to believe it. I had believed what isn't true (that he loved me) and refused to believe what is true ( that he possessed and controlled me), I had really succeeded in fooling myself in the name of "he loves me" . I took a decision to end the relationship right away and believe me, the break up was drama filled, with him telling me that I was just wasting my time because he wasn’t allowing it. He kept on contacting me and coming to my place for months after I told him I wasn't letting him control me any longer and I stood my ground, he persisted and I ended up promising him I would get the police on board. That shook him a little. His last words were, “You shall hear from me, no one throws my love back at my face”. It’s been over two years, and the other day I received a text from him with the words “…just unblock me. I have changed…I just wanna be friends…”. He clearly still possesses my image in his head, and that's  the only last thing (of and about me) he'll ever be able to control.

AllowMeToShareThisWithYou… You are no one’s possession. You belong to yourself. Even if he promises you the one thing your heart desires the most, never allow a man to exercise control over you (Occasionally in the bedroom maybe, but not in your life). He is the one with a problem, not you. The fact that he wants to control you shows how weak he is, how insecure he is in his ability to secure a woman and how he will never allow you to be you. Relationships blossom when we afford our partners freedom to be themselves and to associate themselves with whoever they want to associate with. Forget about the fear of being alone because you’ll feel even more miserable in a bad relationship than you would when alone. Do not allow and help him emotionally wound you any further. The choice to believe and to refuse to believe what is true is yours, and yours alone. It is your responsibility to look out for yourself. In the words of  A.S. Byantt, "No mere human being can stand in a fire and not be consumed"