Dear sexually active boys

First of all, know that I'm typing this letter using my middle finger. Should I even ask how you're doing?Mmh? Nope,I don't think so, you're obviously enjoying being stupid. If you're not, don't worry about letting me know,I didn't ask. Besides, I've already reached my own conclusion, idiot.

As much as you disgust me, ím going to do what is expected of me by God and the Christian community(we all know what non-Christians would think of doing to your thin behinds,*hint* #siyavuma)-I will pray for you all. Don't thank me yet.

Do you ever think of the pain you leave in these women's lives, the resentment you plant in them and the thoughts of the most evil deeds that they can ever do to avenge you for leading them on, peeing in them and then pack your bags of promises, throw them in your fake love carriages and then like a gust of dust hit the road? Do you?How do you finish that plate of food? How do you finish that plate knowing that you left her in the most vulnerable and dangerous first trimester of pregnancy, knowing that she has morning sickness every single day and no one encourages them to hold on because in no time the morning sickness will get better and she will start enjoying her pregnancy, knowing that thoughts of you asking her to 'do something' about the pregnancy is haunting her, just how do you finish that plate, huh? Do you ever think of her weird vetkoek and spinach with eggs cravings?... Well, you might wanna think about that next time you dig into that plate and feed your stupid sexually active body.

How do you sleep at night? How do you sleep at night knowing that your child is out there, has never heard your voice, has never seen you, has never experienced your love and might soon be starting school without having seen you once in their life? How do you sleep at night not knowing what your child is called, what or who she's named after and what inspired the name? Do you have nightmares? Sweetdreams? Do you snore,mmh?You don't? Oh, you sleep peacefully? You do? Liar liar. If you do, we all know why, you're stupid and comfortable in your stupidity.

For how long do you plan on being a BOY? For how long do you intend on peeing in them and pack your promise bags and hit the road? For how long do you intend to break their hearts, watch them beg you not to leave,annoy you with text messages and calls -and threaten to kill themselves? Just for how long do you intend on running away from your responsibility? FOR HOW LONG?

Do you ever sit down and think that names like "Situation","Experience(bad)", "Hatred","Suffering" and all these names that people struggle to believe and ask themselves which parent can ever name their child such, are inspired by you? Does it ever cross your mind when you come across such names that you're the inspiration? Well, alas!!! Here's some food for thought. Feast on that, idiot.

When are you becoming an adult? When are you ever gonna own up to your deeds and take responsibility?What do you expect from these women? Do you expect them to forgive you and accept you back into the child's life when you feel like you're done playing your games? Do you? Huh?

Well, I've got news for you. They won't beg you forever, nor will they wait. By the time you to stroll back into the poor woman's life,she'll be pleased to let you know that someone has taken over from where you left, and she'll be smiling from ear to ear. Someone would have become so familiar to your child, and you'll be left with the word "stranger" stamped on your forehead. The other brother will be humming (Or playing it in full blast) Sam Salter's "I love you both/I'll turn this house into a home/I love you both you're not into this alone, what's yours is mine.../Let me be the man he couldn't be" lyrics just to piss you whenever you decide you have some change to spare and pay for movies or take the kid to KFC for ice cream(because we know you always come back when your pockets are a quarter empty). How do you feel about that, huh?

You'll be forgiven, or maybe not because some ladies are not that forgiving. Your child will call you dad hesitantly, but refer to the other brother as FATHER with so much excitement you'll think of going back to the moment you left them both and do things differently. The kid will tell you of the amazing things their father is doing with and for them-soccer practices, school functions, new toys, holiday trips, and boy, I'm telling you, you'll be asking yourself if the kid tells his father about the flavor of ice cream, the size of popcorns and soda you buy for him, or how your face changes shape when the kid wants to choose the movie.Ayeye!! How does that feel?(Rhetorical question, thanks for attempting to answer).You'll be "the-timetable-dad", you know, the one who first looks at the time table to confirm that you're spending time with your kid.The timetable dad who only pays for the movies and ice cream, and she and her new man will be rejecting your money just to show you that your absence and presence make no difference, and they'll be allowing you the torture of having to repeatedly ask your dumb self , "why did I leave them both". Yes, you will be the daddy who buys wrong Disney character merchandise for the kid, because you'll be clueless about what your child likes and doesn't like.

The pain you'll feel when your child rejects you will be far worse than the pain she felt when you left her. Guess who'll be sleeping on dry sheets now and resting their head on a dry pillow too?You got that right, HER!! And guess who'll toss and turn, with regrets weighing down their shoulder, pinning them down and leaving them haggard.Yep.YOU!! So, sexually active irresponsible boy, how does that feel? Like morning sickness?Hahaha,I thought as much.

Stop with the boy tendencies now, and let the man in you take over. If you can't, zip up the front of your trouser and allow us to throw you freezers so that you can chill. Otherwise, you're going to have to write to the"nilalekahle" signing out signature show, you know,#Khumbu for help, and I really don't know who you'll say you're looking for because you'd be in the dark about the child's "Situation" name. Stop running away from your responsibility, if you're not working, just know the love and care you show the woman you've planted a seed in is enough assurance that tomorrow is gonna be a bright day. After all, where you start is not as important as where you finish. We all start crawling. Stop being a sexually active boy who's egocentric, replace him with a good man whose child's face will light up when you come through the gate,a man who your child will love and trust,a man who's proud about his child from the onset..JUST GROW UP AND OWN UP.KLAAR!!!!

I don't wanna be disgusted no more, so I will stop here. And continue praying for you.Hallelujah!!

#Allowmetosharethiswithyou...Grow up,man up and zip up. Your child needs your love more than anything,be there and you won't be intimidated even if you break up with the child's mother and another nigga wants to play daddy. He won't stand a chance.

Tsebe ga ena sekhurumelo.(Ears don't have lids)

Yours..

Sesi Tshego.

Back to basics: Doing me in a new and different way

As we grow older and mature, we begin to realize what we need and what we need to leave behind. 25. Twenty-five. This is the age that saw me draw the line. Over the years I had allowed people to come into, and leave my life as their air filled heads please, to drown my heart in a pool of pain and to influence and manipulate me to do things that I in my state of sanity would have never done.25. Twenty-five. This is the age that saw me going back to the drawing board and deciding that I had enough of bull shit.The age that saw me reaching a life changing decision, which was to stop the growing up mission, but hop on the maturity wagon.

Looking back,I dont regret anything I did (I hope you dont believe that because I'm pulling your leg, some I regret, but I choose to let the regrets walk out of the gate). I've realised that maturity doesn't come with a number automatically attached to it. The day you turn a certain age doesn't come with a manuscript full of instructions about how one should live their life.The day you turn a certain age is just that, the day you age(uyaguga.lol). Period. Sometimes it comes with wrinkles(you can imagine the screaming and kicking a few days before one turns that age), sometimes people get to let out a big sigh because that age they've been waiting for to break their virginity has finally arrived on their doorstep, while for some, it's that age they've been waiting for to get out of their parent's home and find their own crib that comes without mom or dad's rules. While turning a certain age is awesome for some, it proves to be the opposite for others because they haven't achieved what they had hoped they would have by that age. All in all*Sigh*, turning a certain age can be such a dread.

Turning a certain age is referred to as growing up. Getting tall. Seeing the twins on your chest grow to an unbelievable double d (DD) size,hips (that sometimes lie) widening (amoeba species shaped individuals excluded on this one, lol), a hoarse voice for the male counterpart, wet dreams and growth in size of certain parts of certain areas of the body.Yep, it's all about maturing biologically. But not mentally or psychologically, for most people. Mental maturity has very little to do with turning a certain age, but everything to do with one's ability to react, cope and reason in an appropriate way for the situation at hand. It is learnt from life experiences, but only if one is willing to learn from those experiences.

The last two months of the previous year,2013 have seen me sitting down and doing some introspection about my life, my dreams and what I had achieved since the year started. I realised then that some things had gone wrong. I hadn't been true to myself most of the year, and had allowed people to manipulate me to live the life that is not mine, but theirs. I had turned 25(yep, half ya 50), but I was still bending wherever the wind blew...with goals jotted down but without action to bring them to life.I realised I had made choices based on the choices some people that I had let into my life made, and that really made me lose focus on what I wanted in life, but sing along and dance to other people's tunes. I felt trapped by these people, and realised it was time I set myself free.


I had to compare the current person I was then; to the person I wanted to be in the future.I had to think of the days after the day I went back to the drawing board, because there's always a tomorrow (if not on earth then in heaven). In order for me to be what and who I desired to be,I had to make a few changes in my life, I had to cut out people who I thought were a threat to my life, especially negative people who has succeeded in turning me into one of them, and create new rules and standards for myself (yep,I now come with terms and conditions attached). Change had to be implemented, and it was befitting that I do me in a new way. Counting my blessings was another thing that I had to do, one by one.I actually found out that I was far more blessed than most people (Praise the Lord oh my soul), and yet, still yearned for more. It is only today that I realise I was selfish, and this life isn't fair at all-to anyone. We can't always get what we want, but rather we should make the best out of what God has blessed us with. This led me to my dictionary-which defined contentment for me.It was defined as the state of being happy and satisfied, and acknowledging it.I had a job,a child,a family and amazing friends (Psalm 103-continue praising Him) but still wanted more. I wanted all great things I had to be even greater, meanwhile forgetting that some people were not blessed enough to find a job soon after completing their degrees like I was, to have someone they called family, and enough to be able to give birth and have people willing to be friends with them. It was time I appreciated what I had.
It was time I started to think and react in an appropriate way to the situation.

It was time. It was time to mature. It was time to take my life back. It was time to do me in a new, deserving and mature way. I had to rely on my self to make important decisions about my life, decisions not influenced by anyone. It was time I ignored the bad comments I had previously allowed to push me a step behind.
It was about time I became self sufficient. Time to say what I thought loud and clear, not to hold back and to mean what I say. Most importantly, it was time to learn to respect myself and those around me, to rely on my gut and allow God to take over every decision I make because he has plans to prosper us all.(Jeremiah 29 vs 11).

This year,2014, is my year of maturity, of abundance and more blessings. This year shall reek of happiness, success and yes!!!!maturity, both spiritually and mentally, the year that shall drip of love. This is the year that my yearning for God's presence in my life will be greater, and satisfied. I am grateful to the wrong crowd of people that came into my life to help open my eyes, and to God, for opening my eyes.

#Allowmetosharethiswithyou... Introspection helps, you should try it sometime. You might just find out that you need to start doing you in a different way..

PS. Thank you for reading.:-)

Ke moka ke fihlile ka khetyle khe...

AllowMeTo......introduce my pretty and interesting self.


Right now i am sitting in the library post graduate computer lab at my varsity.Behind me is my ex boyfriend's girlfriend.Infront of me,is my ex boyfriend.Whenever i turn around,shes staring at me,and in turn i stare at our "man".No he's no longer my man,but i call him my man just for the fun of it. *grins*

This guy tried to change the sweet and considerate person i am a while ago.Its been almost a year and a half since i left him (hell year i left before he could think of it). See i am the kind of person who believes a guy when they "claim' to have a thing for me.I fell for this guy's flattering narration of his feelings towards my pretty and interestinmg self. Yes,NARRATION. The nigga was soo good in telling a story of his feelings,unfolding the layers in an amazing way,and me myself and i just fell for it and started finding that there was actually a story of feelings that i had to unfold to him. (My story was made up.hahaha)

So,soon after we started sharing a bed (my bed), he started telling me how he found me amazing,and fascinating at the same time. He told me i looked a bit distant at times...and it was true,so in an attempt to explain my "weirdnes" i opened up to him about my problem of social anxiety,a fear of being judged when in social interactions,because i grew up with judgement being thrown at me from left,right,centre and above. What other people thought of me has always terrified me, and insecurity has always been my biggest friend,or maybe the other way round. I opened up to him about my battle with MDD (Major Depression Disorder) too,which dragged me to the campus medical centre and forced my pretty self to open up and allow the psychologist into the past that haunted me.I was getting better,i told him.And it was true.

This guy listened,and related stories( right there and then kinda invented stories) similar to mine so as to make me feel better. I didnt believe him,but i gave him the benefit of the doubt. Who was i to tell him he was lying? Well,he seemed, to care,and to be available whenever i wanted to see him,to make me laugh and to ask more questions about me...until he insisted on adding me on facebook.I accepted his friend request, and right after i did,a "i miss your morning kiss" wallpost from the chick whos sitting behind me right now *turns around and looks at her boney backside* popped out on his wall. I got dissapointed.I got furious.My famous 'confront-him-if-hes-not-honest' notion that i held and always related to my friends evaporated and i just let out a slow and almost silent "he banna" out.

The brother dissapeared for two full days with his phone off, and i concluded that he had gone to deliver the morning kiss that was missed. After his "missing-and-uncontactable" stunt he popped out one chilly afternoon, and knocked on my door.I let him in,offered him rooibos tea and we had a chat.He took out a brick size walki talki model cellular, and told me that his phone has been stolen 123...I asked about the wallposts,and told him i am not stupid,and he said "shes my sister.I kiss her every morning before i leave the house". Hahahaa. I gave him a piece of my mind because i had done my homework about that Mpumalanga chick,and i had found out that they have been at it for 3 years,and he has cheated on her more than three times.Douche bag!!That was the end of us.Two days later,i called him,he came with a big smile with the hope that i would take him back,but i just told him that i forgave him for leading me on.Holding a grudge against him was not worth it,especially when i had just been diagonised with MDD.

In short,with this story,im trying to tell you,the world..that i am an interesting person,i dont judge others,but i give them the benefit of the doubt.I am no longer very conscious about what people think of me like before,and although i can be deceived,i dont let people walk all over me when i know the truth.I love me,and i dont hold grudges unless absolutely neccessary. And AllowMeToShareThis with you.....I am God's child.I was born to overcome.And i fear no evil. Lets.........